My Virgin Cheesecake

We all get that need sometimes. A powerful desire from deep in the bones for something. It becomes a necessity. Life should not, nay, could not proceed without it. One day in particular I needed Cheesecake. Now me and Cheesecake have had a very strange past, I didn’t try it for years as the idea of a chocolate cake or Victoria sponge with grated cheese on top was enough to turn my stomach. But a few years ago I ate a piece, almost by accident and I have never looked back since. However until recently I had never actually made one.

On this great day of Cheesecake need I was walking home along the quays and decided I was going to make one. My phone was dead so I couldn’t look up a recipe and I was on my way to meet my girlfriend so time was very much of the essence. I ran the aisles of a small Tesco and grabbed all of the things that I thought might go in a cheesecake. Half dozen eggs, double cream, cream cheese, biscuits, more butter than is usually acceptable in polite society, sugar, etc. Before long we were trawling though recipes in my galley kitchen trying to find something doable. We settled on a simple enough sounding one and got to it.

After a lot of messing, lollygagging and general merriment we had a fairly well put together Oreo and White Chocolate Cheesecake in front of us.

Plates, knife, slice, spoon, bite… stop.

Something was off. A sort of musty fungal flavour somewhere. I checked to see if everything was in date. It all seemed fine. Everything except the cheese. An earthy smell, not bad, just not what I was expecting. I checked the pack again and there it was, in miniscule writing on a mini green flag; “Blue Cheese and Garlic Flavour.”

I had been in such a rush in Tesco that I never even checked what I was grabbing, as long as it had “Cream Cheese” on it I was happy. We begrudgingly ate the cake. I’m not in the kind of financial situation where I can throw away relatively edible cake. It wasn’t good. Google tells me that indeed Blue Cheese Cheesecake is a “thing.”

This monstrosity was definitely not that “thing.” Take note kids, read before you buy.


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